What opening up has done for me:
In the midst of the darkest parts of my disorder, I didn’t want to admit the truth to myself. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but instead of stepping up and facing it, I chose to ignore it and make up excuses for myself. It was easier than attempting to fight back because at that point in my life, I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to win. However, even after finally accepting the life I was living was flawed and needed to change, I still couldn’t admit this to anyone else. I needed others to see my life as perfect and as bright as possible. I didn’t want anyone to know that instead of happy thoughts and positive aura, I was swimming in the trenches of hell. So, when I left to pursue treatment, I didn’t tell a soul. I left school without saying goodbye to my friends and teammates because I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. I didn’t tell my best friends where I was going and why I couldn’t be in contact with them. I simply vanished off the face of the earth, because again, it was easier than having to face the hard truth. I was so caught up in how others viewed me that I disregarded other’s feelings in order to keep my ego intact. On top of everything that my disorder had made be become, it made me selfish and cruel to the people I loved. I was so focused on my conceited view of how my life would change in their eyes, that I overlooked the fact of how much they could help me heal. I was also scared about what the affects of opening up would have on my life. I was scared about how people would see me, and treat me differently. I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak and fragile, because that’s what I thought of myself. I didn’t want people to think I was weird or mentally unstable; and I certainly did not want people to think I was crazy and not believe anything I was saying. I was afraid of the people who wouldn’t understand, and so that fear caused me to hide within my disorder for even longer. What I failed to take into account throughout this period of my life was just how compassionate humans are. I had been focusing on everything that could go wrong instead of everything that could go right. It turns out people are more beautifully sympathetic than I could have ever imagined. Who would have thought? When I finally took the leap to start reaching out to people in my life, yes, I was terrified but I was met with such love and compassion, that I forget why I had ever been afraid in the first place. I was welcomed with open arms and hearts ready to mend me back together. People told me, I was strong and brave, and although at the time I couldn’t see it yet, their words were the pillars in which I began to build back my strength. Opening up has been a blessing and because of it, has allowed me to forge stronger and more beautiful relationships with people than I ever could have imagined. Although not all feedback was positive, such is life, but I learned how to accept it and not let it change how I viewed myself or my worth. When people tell me, I’m strong I can finally start to believe them. The sun does in fact shine brighter and life has indeed become sweeter. So I encourage all, whatever you are hiding behind, do not let that destroy you. We all carry burdens but we do not have to carry them alone. Vulnerability is what makes us human. Although we may not believe it at times, we are surrounded by people who love us and only want the best for us; and by opening up and sharing your struggles you’d be surprised at how strong you can become.
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What is your favorite part of life?
Falling in love. Even beyond just falling in love with a human being. Falling in love with anything in your life. Falling in love with your life. Falling in love with friends and new experiences. The moment when you hear a new song on the radio and you immediately fall in love with it, and then constantly play it on repeat for the next month. Falling in love with every season, the fall, the leaves, the trees, the snow, the flowers. Each season has something different to offer. Instead of being sad that one season is over, get excited for what this new one will bring with it. There are so many new adventures ahead of you that only this season has to offer. Take advantage of it. Love it. Enjoy the moment you’re in. Falling in love with a book is one of my favorite things. When you become so consumed in this other world, and these other people’s lives. You are so invested in it that you feel you are a part of it. It is truly beautiful. Falling in love with an animal, a pet or a bird you see every morning on your porch. How they in some shape or form depend on you. The thought that without you they wouldn’t be able to go on. The feeling of being needed and wanted is so comforting and so uplifting. It fills you with a purpose. Falling in love with new places, habits, and colors. Everything is so new and so beautiful. Falling in love, getting your heart broken, and then learning to love again. It's beautiful. It's pure. Falling in love with you and your life. Being able to look in mirror and be happy with the person who is staring back at you. Being able to understand that there is far more to yourself than just the reflection in that mirror. That there is love, compassion, generosity, adventure, purpose, attitude, wit, independence, and humanity beyond what the mirror can reveal. When you can do that, you can fall in love with the person who shares all those qualities. Falling in love is such a fulfilling emotion. It makes you whole and complete. I love being in love. It’s just lovely. It is extremely easy to lose yourself in your eating disorder. It is like the devil on your shoulder, constantly whispering seductively in your ear. It wants you to forget who you are. It wants control. Having an eating disorder is similar to being in a mentally abusive relationship. They lure you in with pretty promises and nothing but hearts and flowers, but soon you realize that those flowers you smelled were poisoned and those hearts he gave you were made out of glass.
When I came out of treatment I was extremely lost. Running was a huge factor of what I did, and how I identified myself but it quickly became something that made me sick. Coming out of treatment, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know who I was anymore. For years, I had labeled myself as the “runner girl”, but now that I didn’t run anymore, who was I now? My therapist (yes I have a therapist, you should get one too) told me that I should try to understand myself in different ways. Yes, I was Caitlin the runner, but I was also Caitlin, the girl who loves nature and outdoors and Caitlin, the girl who loves her dog over most of her friends. There was more to me than being the runner girl and there was more to me without my eating disorder. I decided that there is too much events that happen in your life to describe anyone in just one word. So I created a list of words and phrases that I thought suited me; so here it goes: I am the girl who at first seems shy, but once you get to know her, will be one of the craziest people you ever meet. I am a thrill seeker, an optimist. I am an adventure, a listener; I am a friend. I am the girl who loves to scream Bruce Springsteen in her car and then get yelled at for playing the music too loud. I am an opportunist, a thinker, a believer, a sinner. I am the girl who can take herself out to dinner; I am independent; I am weird; I am stubborn. I am the girl who rolls her windows down and blast the heat on high; I am free spirited; I am passionate; I am me, and I am happy. Who are you? |
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