As a competitive runner it is no surprise I have a competitive nature. Its where I build my ambition. Constantly seeking improvement in myself, constantly seeking to create a life that is better than what I have in the moment. Through this can be found my drive and my desire to succeed, to never accept less than I deserve and to never give up on my dreams or myself. However, sometimes it feels as if I’m constantly running on a treadmill, chasing everything but going nowhere.
I have run many races in my lifetime; some with huge victories and some with great losses. But there seems to be one that I have been chasing for my entire life and have never even caught sight of the finish line. As I have taken the time to study myself and delve deeper into what makes me who I am, I have come to realize that although my ambition to improve isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it has been fueled by the wrong reasons. I have always wanted to do better, to be better in the eyes of others. I have spent my life looking over my shoulder, side to side, scrolling my thumb endlessly through the lives of others, comparing them to my own. Judging myself, my body, my life to theirs. Wondering if I measure up in their eyes, based on what I have been shown in conversation, or seen online. Without realizing it, I have let envy rot away my bones. In the world of social media, blogging, likes, and retweets, I have built my drive from something meaningless. My desire to succeed has only been fueled by how I compare to others. What I have come to realize is there is no “win” in comparison. Chasing down contentment through envy is a race that I will never complete. It is merely, grabbing hold of things that will not fill my hunger. Envy is as meaningless as a race to catch the wind, because there will never be a finish line. You will forever be stuck on that treadmill chasing after something you will never even see. Now that I understood this, I wondered how exactly I was supposed to cleanse myself of envy and wash away the comparison of my life to another and then I happened to come across a sermon with the message of the dangers of living a life full comparison. The pastor shared this verse: “Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 4:6 What can be taken from this, is it is better to have one hand open to God, ready to receive and give whatever he wills, than two hands closed, grabbing and holding on anything you can. If you live a life with two fists trying to grab hold of everything, you will spend your life, chasing the wind; chasing down something you can never catch. It will be meaningless, because it is a race you will never be able to win. Have your hands open and feel the wind run through your fingers. Be thankful for what God has put in your hand now and you will feel content. And through your contentment you will find peace and know that you are enough; because through God you are enough. You are good enough, worthy enough, whole enough, without the need to compare and prove your worth to others. Everything that I have and everything that I need, can be found through my faith; my faith in God and in myself. I do not need to feel like I have more because someone else has less or find my happiness by seeing my life onscreen appear better than another’s. In the same way I am no less because someone is thinner than me, prettier, smarter, whatever “er” you can think of. I am enough all on my own. Now although I know comparison only leads to envy and envy leads to a life of inadequacy, it is not something that I can just shut off. My brain has been trained to think this way and it will be a battle to rewire it differently. But every time I shut off my phone and see my life with all its bruises, losses, mistakes, laughs, victories, loves, and am still able to smile, I know that I have won.
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