“Just leave”; “Just quit it”; “Just eat”; “Can’t you see he’s hurting you”; “Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?, “He’s just playing games with you”; “You’re just lying to yourself.” Thank you for your advice. I’ve never heard or thought of that before on my own. You just solved all my problems. I am now completely healed! Thank you for your help, goodbye.
Contrary to popular belief, I did realize that what I was doing wasn’t right or wasn’t exactly good for my body, just like people in abusive relationships know what they have isn’t exactly ideal. If it were as simple as “just leave, or just eat”, well by the grace of God, Thank you Mr. President you just cured world hunger and solved world peace! No, it is never “just that simple”, because if it was, believe me, I would’ve left at the first sign of danger. You’re in love. How can you walk away from something that makes you feel so alive but is also slowly killing you? You love him, you can’t leave him, but he’s cruel, he’s selfish, he’s greedy; oh but dear lord, do you love that boy. He wants you, he loves you, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but he can’t just settle with you. You’re his world but he has two worlds. He swears there will be a time where you both will be together, just you and him forever. His promises are made up of hearts and flowers, but his actions feel like knives and poison. Your entire relationship is built up of pretty lies and stolen kisses. ED, my eating disorder, is mentally abusive. He likes to tell me things that we both know will never be true. He likes to build me up and then stab me in my back. All his wounds are internal, invisible to the eye. No one understands that he is slowly killing me inside. He uses me; picks me up when it’s convenient and drops me back down when he gets bored. ED lives his life how it is suitable to himself. He has the best of both worlds. “All alone, I watch you watch her. Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen. You don't care you never did You don't give a damn about me Yeah all alone I watch you watch her She's the only thing you've ever seen How is it you never notice? That you are slowly killing me.” However, if ED, or your boyfriend, was all bad, it would be “just that easy”. ED is a conman. He knows how to play his cards. He knows what to say to get you to stay. He’s beautiful. He makes you laugh. He knows how to make you feel wanted at just the right moments. “He’s bad but he does it so well,” as my good friend Tswift would say. However, band aids can’t fix bullet holes, he can’t say sorry just for show. If you live like that, you live with ghosts, my friends. Listen to the goddess Tswift (to be honest, if she told me to “just eat” or “just leave” I probably would). The point is, ED is a beautiful lie. The most beautiful lie you will ever hear, or the most beautiful boy you will ever lay eyes on. You both love each other, in some twisted and distorted type of way and no amount of Taylor Swift lyrics is going to make the hole in your heart go away from where he stabbed you. “If love becomes too painful, then it's time to let that love go and save yourself. You have to keep this in mind because you'll be able to find another love but not another self."
0 Comments
It is extremely easy to lose yourself in your eating disorder. It is like the devil on your shoulder, constantly whispering seductively in your ear. It wants you to forget who you are. It wants control. Having an eating disorder is similar to being in a mentally abusive relationship. They lure you in with pretty promises and nothing but hearts and flowers, but soon you realize that those flowers you smelled were poisoned and those hearts he gave you were made out of glass.
When I came out of treatment I was extremely lost. Running was a huge factor of what I did, and how I identified myself but it quickly became something that made me sick. Coming out of treatment, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know who I was anymore. For years, I had labeled myself as the “runner girl”, but now that I didn’t run anymore, who was I now? My therapist (yes I have a therapist, you should get one too) told me that I should try to understand myself in different ways. Yes, I was Caitlin the runner, but I was also Caitlin, the girl who loves nature and outdoors and Caitlin, the girl who loves her dog over most of her friends. There was more to me than being the runner girl and there was more to me without my eating disorder. I decided that there is too much events that happen in your life to describe anyone in just one word. So I created a list of words and phrases that I thought suited me; so here it goes: I am the girl who at first seems shy, but once you get to know her, will be one of the craziest people you ever meet. I am a thrill seeker, an optimist. I am an adventure, a listener; I am a friend. I am the girl who loves to scream Bruce Springsteen in her car and then get yelled at for playing the music too loud. I am an opportunist, a thinker, a believer, a sinner. I am the girl who can take herself out to dinner; I am independent; I am weird; I am stubborn. I am the girl who rolls her windows down and blast the heat on high; I am free spirited; I am passionate; I am me, and I am happy. Who are you? The Cheer Angel
“Janet Zilinski was best described as compassionate, loving, caring, sensitive, and a giving person. She was considerate of everyone’s feelings, she loved beyond imagine, and cared about everything and everyone.” She was a devoted daughter and sister. “She had a warmth to her that was contagious”. Janet had a quiet confidence to her. She stood up for what she believed in and was an advocate for kindness. She always looked out for her little brother, Jimmy and she loved her family with every ounce of her being. Janet was always a happy person. She was a cheer leader and would always be seen cheering and supporting her friends and family even outside of cheer practice. Janet and I both attended the same summer camp in 2006. Although I didn’t know her very well what I did know was how much her loss affected everyone the day of August 10th 2006. The entire camp was distraught, I remember seeing every staff and camp member crying. It just goes to show how much of an effect her presence had on everyone there. Janet died from cardiac arrest while at cheer practice. The cause of her death is still unknown because she did not have any previous medical complications. However, even through her family’s distress they refused to let Janet be forgotten. In Janet’s honor they created the Janet Fund. Their mission is to “dedicate themselves to preventing sudden cardiac death in New Jersey’s youth through awareness, legislation, AED placement and training. It is their mission to make Automatic External Defibrillators (AEDs) available in every school in NJ and make them commonplace on playing fields.” Because of the Zilinski family the Janet Law was passed on September 1st, 2014 which requires a well identified AED to be on site at all schools K-12 and have employees be certified with the use of an AED. Their story is truly inspiring. Through Janet, they are saving the lives of many more children and continuing Janet’s legacy of kindness. In honor of Janet I’d like to keep her legacy alive. Janet once said “Sometimes you have to do things to make yourself happy", for me this is running. Before my eating disorder running was the one thing in the world that made me feel most alive and I was my happiest while doing it. Unfortunately it became a symptom of my eating disorder and quickly made me sick. I am trying to find my happiness again in running by fueling it for a cause. In this race, I am running it for Janet. I will use Janet’s competitive spirit to motivate me and rediscover the joy in running once again. Thank you, Janet, for your kindness and compassion and for inspiring me to continue doing what makes me most happy in life. You will never be forgotten. You can learn more about Janet’s story and what her parents are doing in her memory and how you can support at http://www.janetzilinski.org/ "ED was the bully and Caitlin was the bystander. Caitlin became the bystander to her own life." One of my favorite sayings to relate to eating disorders, although it is slightly ironic, is “You’re not you when you’re hungry”, from the Snickers commercial. This statement is spot on, with science behind it to back it up.
When you don’t eat, the organs in your body don’t receive the proper amount of fuel they need to function. Which is why there’s another saying, “food is fuel”. According to Women’s Health, “Your brain, which controls the rest of your body’s functions, does not work properly without food. You may have trouble thinking clearly or paying closer attention than normal to feelings of anxiety or sadness.” For me, when my thoughts started to get hazy, I’d like to think that is when ED, my eating disorder, steps in and acts as my “eyes” and my “voice”. A side effect or common trait of eating disorders is their increased levels of irritability and anger. Now if you think girls have bad mood swings, you should meet one with an eating disorder. I’m just going to step up to the plate now and admit that I was like the spokesperson for this. Those that were closest to me could attest to that in a heartbeat. I would randomly lash out for no apparent reason. I believe the correct term for this is, “hangry”. All my roommates in college were witnesses to this (lol). Sometime after an episode I would even be surprised by my own words. They would just come out with no preface. My parents were both victims of these wonderful episodes and I remember saying, “I’m not giving you attitude, it’s just my voice.” This may seem as an excuse to some but it really was the case. I couldn’t understand where the words were coming from or what was stirring up my anger. It was like a night a day change. At these times, when my brain was at its weakest, ED took advantage. He said and did things that the old Caitlin (before ED) couldn’t even imagine doing. However, I don’t want it to seem as if I’m putting all the blame/responsibility on this “imaginary voice” inside my head. The easiest way to explain it is: ED was the bully and Caitlin was the bystander. Caitlin became the bystander to her own life. So like all the kids that went to bullying seminars in primary school know, bystanders are just as guilty as the bully, for not taking action. It seems silly, but I let this voice in my head manipulate and brainwash me. As time progressed and my brain received less and less nutrition, it’s functioning got worse and worse. It got to a point where I had been completely brainwashed into thinking my eating disorder behaviors and symptoms were normal and anyone who challenged me was wrong. I was in complete denial about how serious this was and how sick I was getting. During this time period when I was at my worst, ED made me do things that I never could have fathomed and the worst part is, I just sat back and let it all happen. I broke all my morals, I hurt people I loved, I hurt people I didn’t even know, and I hurt myself. I became a different person. It’s hard for me to not look back and cringe at my actions. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed and disgusted with myself and who I was back then. I wish I would have been brave enough to stand up for others and myself instead of letting myself get pushed around. There are things I’d never want people to know about me. I still feel like a horrible person and because of that am living with a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, and self-hate that still makes it hard to see straight. A lot of this plays into my depression and anxiety, which then leads me into acting in on ED behaviors. And to think all of this happened because I didn’t eat my damn breakfast. Now, if you took the time to read all this, first off I would like to applaud you and thank you for your time. Second off. I’d like you to know I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want that. I’m here to take full responsibility for my actions. Part of taking my life back from ED is no longer being the bystander to my own life. Yes, I wasn’t “me” because I was hungry, but I am me now, and the me now is going to do things differently. I’m taking full responsibility for the person I was during my eating disorder. This is an open apology to the people I hurt (you know who you are). The new Caitlin is changing for the better, and now that I eat my breakfast, she’s not going anywhere. A common misconception about eating disorders is that they are a choice. By no means would I have wanted to put myself through the pain and suffering that I have endured. I didn’t choose to drop out of school or have to take a leave from running. I did it because I had no choice. My eating disorder consumed me. I like to think of it as a different entity within me. I refer to him as “ED”, ED my eating disorder. ED is a bitch. He’s a loud voice that likes to scream in Caitlin's head and sometimes she can't distinguish ED's thoughts from her own. He's controlling and manipulative and only thinks of himself. ED was jealous and envious, he was a perfectionist. In ED’s eyes Caitlin was a piece of shit and he told her so. So ED thinking he was a hero, was going to do Caitlin a favor and put her out of her misery. Caitlin (aka me lol) suffered with severe anxiety and depression. She hid this from most people because she was embarrassed and didn’t want people to think of her this way. On the outside Caitlin did her best to act as happy as possible and make the world believe everything was going right, when in fact her world was falling apart.
One thing most people don’t know about eating disorders is they act as a coping mechanism. ED did want to help Caitlin, but he did it in all the wrong ways. At one point in Caitlin’s life ED served as a way for Caitlin to deal with her emotions, emotions that were so strong and overwhelming that Caitlin didn’t know what to do with them. Caitlin, like many other victims of eating disorders could no longer deal with the pain that she was experiencing in her life so she transferred the pain in her mind to pain that she conflicted on her body. ED quickly became addicting. The eating disorder was no longer even about the food, but instead about the emotional pain behind it. ED liked to stay isolated. Much of his actions were done in private. Caitlin kept ED a secret. She was embarrassed because she felt as if she was weak because she no longer had control over her mind or body. She didn’t want to believe ED was real; however, ED became too strong. ED was a secret that was slowly killing Caitlin and she hid him with her smile. At one point in a victim’s life their eating disorder served a purpose. They used it as a coping mechanism to “distract” themselves from the emotional pain they were experiencing. Many victims with eating disorders have suffered traumas in their life. They use ED behaviors to try to deal with the overwhelming pain that has been inflicted upon them. Most behaviors are done in private. Some effects are not noticeable to the public while others are more obvious. No matter the case, each person is carrying a heavy burden within themselves that needs to be resolved. Although it may appear so, no one has control over ED. It may last with a person for a few months, a few years, or for the rest of their life. It is simply not something they can “get over”. It is a secret that is killing them. |
Details
Categories
All
Archives
April 2021
Categories
All
|